he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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