Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
