Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
