I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
