Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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