I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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