unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
