I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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