i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
