My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
