I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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