you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
