I should be sponsored by Trojan
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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