I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
