Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
