Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
