if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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