I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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