half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
