some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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