Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
