He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
