if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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