woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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