god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
