I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
