I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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