I'm gonna have a badass scar
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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