i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
