some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
