I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
