She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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