you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
