i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
