I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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