Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
