I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
