im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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