My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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