my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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