In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
