These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
