new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
