I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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