I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
