Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
