Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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