If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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