If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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