im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
