xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
